I know there are many people that don't have jobs out there, so believe me - I know I am fortunate. But I feel as though I have been trapped with the same company for the last 10 years with no hope of ever escaping. And believe me, I have tried to no avail. Guess this is where God wants me, but it has been such a struggle for me to accept.
Why do I fight it? Well for starters, I always thought that I'd have my own business and naively believed I'd reach millionaire status by age 40. NOT! WTH was I thinking? Oh how arrogant I was. But where does all that come from? Ya see my old man & my uncle are millionaires so I thought that if I went to the same college & majored in accounting like they did and just added water - viola - instant millionaire.
But why does working for someone else continue to tear me apart? After all, I have a steady paycheck (though underpaid for what I do) and have climbed the ladder & earned the respect of my peers & superiors. I think it comes down to fear. I just don't trust anyone & feel that the axe could come down at any time, regardless of how well I THINK I am doing.
But if I had my own business I would not have that worry. Ah, I know, there are a host of other "worries" that each business owner has to deal with. Meeting payroll, sales declines, employee theft, competition, lawsuits, etc. So WTH is my problem?? I guess, right or wrong, that I believe that there is more stability in owning my own business. But maybe God is trying to protect me, yet I just keep fighting Him.
There has been sayings regarding people's "demons" - well this is one of mine. It tears me up inside, it really does. And I have tried to be at peace with where I am, but that demon keeps throwing stuff in front of me to keep the struggle alive. I feel like God is saying: "Don't you trust Me?" Yes. "Then why do you fight Me on this? I have given you stability, a steady paycheck that has provided well for your family & favor at your workplace. Why can't you be at peace with what I am doing for you?" Um, fear of the unknown Lord. Your way is not MY way and for some stupid reason I seem to believe that my way is better. I really don't know how to let go & let You take care of everything. I find it so hard to accept that you may (possibly) want me to stay where I am working for the man for the rest of my life. I am an entrepreneur with great ideas! I'm not cut out for working for someone else. But this has been eating away at my soul for many years - how do I just let go?
I think it may have to do with my parents divorcing when I was 9 years old. I had stability before that event took place. But once it happened, my life changed & I STILL struggle with its residual crap! Suddenly my parents (aka stability) were no longer together (instability) and I was being transferred between 2 homes and in and out of different schools. I played one parent against the other. My parents used me & my brothers at times to get at the other. Ugh how it sucked and it pisses me off to this day that I had to go through it. Unfair, I tell you, unfair. My childhood was stolen from me!
Lesson #1 Learned: I need to let God take care of me and not rely so much on my own desires, which could certainly not be in my best interest. He knows what's best.
Lesson #2 Learned: That divorce sucks and has far reaching & long lasting affects. I have told my wife that no matter how bad things may get, divorce is NOT an option - period! I don't want my kids to go through the bullsh%^ that I went through. Don't think that divorce is the easy way out. It will F you up & everyone in its wake including your kids.
So let's work together and keep that promise to our spouses - "til death do us part." Not that I am a marriage counselor, but some of my recent marital struggles revolved around us not communicating. Make it a point to do that, will ya? Sit down with the TV off and have some deep conversations. And tell ya what: I've got your back in prayer if you'll get mine 'cause I need it too. K? Cool!
